Goodbye

     I've always known that this day would come, the day when goodbye is no longer able to be procrastinated and must be said and heard. As much as I wanted to believe it was so far away, all along it was right at my doorstep, waiting for the invite into the home of my speech. Up until now, goodbye has always been a memory of sadness. There has never been a case where "goodbye" left a great memory in my mind. Contrary to what I believed, goodbye is a lot more than a mopey word that leaves unhappy feelings.

     Goodbye brings out the true and genuine feelings. Feelings of sadness, feelings of joy, and old feelings that you reminisce with others. Goodbye shows you true friends and worst enemies. It's something that none of want to say but somehow end up finding it anxiously waiting on the tip of our tongue.

     Tonight, goodbye came as something I never experienced before. Goodbye did not show up on my doorstep in its suit of sadness as it had in the past, rather, it let itself in with a coat of hope and crown of love. The goodbyes I gave tonight did not leave me with feelings of sadness and depression as I had thought. Though I felt sad saying goodbye, tonight's goodbyes were hopeful. I looked into the eyes of three loved ones tonight. Through tears and sparkles in their eyes, I was able to see further down the road. I was able to see past the temporary sadness tears would leave me, and I saw the joy of being with these people in the future. Promises, oaths, thank you's, and torch hand-offs.

     I looked into the eyes of a brother with trust as he took my place. I looked into the eyes of a mentor with gratitude as he sent me off. I looked into the eyes of a loved one with love and hope as we exchanged what wouldn't be the last hug. Even as I type this emotions are taking hold of my eyes, but I still see the trust, gratitude, love and hope of tonight's goodbye.

This is not the end. This is not goodbye. This is not the last.

This is hope. This is love. This is trust.

A new chapter awaits me.

MR; JS; DW

Who's Approval?

     Who am I trying to live for? To whom am I trying to prove myself? Who's approval do I really care about? Who am I trying to impress? Who is receiving my life?

     I've been hit with these questions in this morning's reading. They caused a convicting feeling in my stomach, and have forced me to reflect on my life and how I've been living it.

     I've always been a person who, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with, enjoys making others laugh. I want people to be happy. I try not to be cynical about things, though I am, and I try the most part to be a person who people want to like. So far, I've always thought that there was nothing wrong with this. I figured if I can be a lovable person who brings happiness, that is something that would allow people to see Jesus. As time went on though, I slowly lost myself in trying to win approvals, rather than trying to make others laugh.

     The Apostle Paul writes to the Galatians early in his letter that he is trying to win Christ's approval. He says that if he was still trying to win the approval of men, then he wouldn't be a servant of Christ (Galatians 1:10). "Is that what I've been doing? Haven't I just been trying to make people laugh so that they could like me? What effort have I put in to receive The Lord's approval?" Thoughts raced through my head as I realized what I've been doing the past couple of months. I have realized that I needed to change.

     There is a happy balance though. Living for the approval of God does not mean disregard the hearts of those around you, you just have to check where your allegiance is at. Christ preached hope and love. Loving others and being a light of joy and hope is the life we ought to live. It's in living that life that we must remember that it's Christ who is our source and leader. It's Him who we must come back to, no one else. 

     I've realized that there is One who deserves my life to be lived for Him. My wanting of being able to be a happy and peaceful person is possible, I just can't let my passion for approval travel to anyone else other than Christ Himself.

Times

     I've had some pretty eventful summers in my time. I've gone on great vacations and have played music with the best of musicians and have seen the most beautiful of sights and read the most knowledgable of books and have spent time with the nicest of people. No summer, however, has been quite like this one.

     Rather than seeing, saying, touching, experiencing, and playing things, I've been feeling things. I've been taught numerous things. I've gone through situations this summer that changed me and opened my eyes. I've learned not things that are good for the brain, but good for the heart. I learned about myself and who I am, not who I want to be like. 

     Among these things I've learned, the biggest is who a friend is. I've lost many, many friends. I've been betrayed many, many times. I never expected my last summer in Phoenix to be like this one. I was hoping for parties, hangouts, quality times, and adventures. Not alone times, sit arounds, hurtful times, and naps. As much as these situations and these experiences sucked, they molded me and shaped me. If it was for all of the bad that happened this summer, none of the good would have came and taught me.

     I always thought that my previous summers taught me amazing things. I always thought that the best of times always taught me the best of things. And as much as those statements are correct, they limited the truth. What I've learned this summer was that good times can teach me good things, but bad times can teach me unforgettable things, whether good or bad.

I learned who I was this summer.

ISn't

Love isn't said. 

Love isn't seen. 

Love isn't felt. 

Love isn't touched. 

Love isn't screamed. 

Love isn't forced. 

Love isn't rushed. 

Love isn't fake. 

Love isn't hurtful. 

Love is eased. 

Love is witnessed. 

Love is soft. 

Love is soothe. 

Love is whispered. 

Love is sacrifice. 

Love is patient. 

Love is sincere. 

Love is pure. 

Love is unexplainable.